Cheney has finally gotten his memos showing he’s right that making terrorists very uncomfortable get information, but the Obama administration is still planning a probe to decide whether to prosecute people in the CIA for the methods they use. Personally, I don’t care what they do to someone if he’s a terrorist… or a terrorist sympathizer… or someone who hangs around a lot of terrorists like someone from the Middle East.

So what are the Enhanced Interrogation Methods the CIA uses? I will tell you:


* They shake a cat in front of a terrorist yelling, “Look at how we’re shaking this cat! Tell us what we’ll know or we’ll keep shaking this cat!”

* They flush a Koran down the toilet and then make the terrorist unclog the toilet because that doesn’t work too well.

* They let them watch American Idol’s results show right up until the reveal of who’s leaving, and then turn it off.

* During the questioning, all the CIA agents eat lots of tasty tasty bacon and the terrorists can’t have any.

* Their families are threatened, such as a vow to send their daughters to school.

* They ask the terrorist if he likes apples. If he answers in the affirmative, he is punched in the nads. “How about them apples!”

* Mandatory Muhammad cartoon drawing class. If you’re cartoon isn’t funnier than today’s Family Circus, it’s a beating.

* They threaten to splice their genes to give them a curly pig tail.

* They Let in an ACLU lawyer to check on whether the terrorists rights are being violated, then they beat up the lawyer in front of the terrorists saying, “This is what will happen to you if you don’t talk!”

* Al Gore is invited to give a slide show. Only excuse to get out of it is that you’re busy confessing terrorist plans.

* Not sure what exactly the final method entails, but it involves five minutes alone with Dick Cheney, a phone book, and a bottle of Vodka.

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